If you understand your child, you will be easier to build a relationship with him. Answers to the most difficult questions are exactly there. Do you have an early development or to start everything on samonek? Send whether to a kindergarten ...
Lyudmila Petranovskaya - the author of a series of books for children "What to do, if ...", a well-known psychologist-teacher, head of webinars on the topic of relationships in the family and the laureate of the President of the Russian Federation presents the continuation of the series "Close people: Psychology of relations". The previous book, "if a child is difficult," became a bestseller for parents and gave answers to the most popular questions in raising children.
The new book will be useful not only to young mothers, but also those who want to rethink their relationship with their possibly already matured child. You will learn:
- How the attachment of the child is formed to parents from the earliest age before the adolescence;
- Why the role of the mentor and parent is far from the same thing;
- How to become your child support in life.
If you understand your child, you will be easier to build a relationship with him. Answers to the most difficult questions are exactly there. Do you have an early development or to start everything on samonek? Do you send to kindergarten or leave with your grandmother? Do you punish at the request of the teacher and is there any point in this? Did you give a teenager his desired freedom? And finally, how to save relationships with a child when he is already an adult?
Find answers to these questions, step by step by childhood along with Lyudmila Petranovskaya.
Loved you without any reason
For the fact that you are a daughter
For the fact that you are son
For the fact that the kid
For growing
For the fact that the dad and mom looks like.
And this love is until the end of your days
It will remain a mystery of your body.V. Berestov
Introduction
All the evolution of life is the evolution of parental care for offspring. The most primitive living beings appear on the light of already indistinguishable from the "parents", they do not need anything from their ancestors. Slightly more complex parents are only placed in a favorable environment, and there they themselves. Even more difficult - they try to leave food for the first time. So do some insects. Separate types of fish of their fry are already guarded. Many reptiles defend the masonry of eggs and look after hatching young. But the birds already necessarily sit down, feed and teach chicks, sometimes miracles of self-sacrifice for the sake of offspring. Mammals do not survive with adults without care, and their childhood is longer than the chicks. Mother's parents are not only fed, guarded and teach - they play with them, caress, console, resolve conflicts between brothers and sisters, prepare for communication in a flock.
If you look from this point of view, man and in fact - the crown of creation. Because the most helpless young and most long childhood on the planet - a quarter of life - we have. Before the child can do without adults, take years. Moreover, with the course of history, the period of dependence is constantly lengthened, once childhood at twelve finished, and now in twenty-two - not always.
It turns out that the creature increases, which does not simply implements the programs recorded in the gene genes, like billions of his ancestors of millions of years and him, like the cockroaches, and builds his life, thinks about the device of the universe, asks the eternal issues of being, has values, daring, Believes, loves, - in one word, the creature is reasonable and free, a rather long period of complete helplessness and dependence is needed. Somehow miraculously It is the dependence that is overhaudible, it is the complete initial inaccessibility of the world that is in the ability to modify this world.
Everyone who was born by a person and grew up, one way or another this path was held. Everyone who raises children goes on it. In this book we will pass it, step by step, from birth to adulthood, and let's try to understand: how does it work?
I immediately want to say: this book is not strictly scientific. I would like to have one more life in parallel to devote to her research, and every approval to check. But I don't have a second life, and in this I chose to be practiced. So I, at my own risk, just tell me how I see it, I feel, I understand. With examples from your life, from client stories and readers of my blog, from observations on the street and in playgrounds.
Of course, the very essence, the theory of affection - the theory is quite scientific, there are many interesting research and publications on it, I will refer to some of them in the course of the story.
But I am quite aware that not all the approval of this theory and certainly not all statements in this book are completely scientifically confirmed, but it is generally difficult to check. The theory of attachment is not yet the mainstream of psychological science, research and books dedicated to it, while so far than I would like. In Russia, the theory of attachment is simply little known. And it is very sorry, because I do not know this moment Approach to the study of a person, studying childhood, approach to upbringing and psychotherapy is a deeper, accurate and effective in practical work. A lot of problems that poison the lives of many people would simply be not created if you know how the child's relationship with parents arranged. And many have already created and even familiar, it would be possible to solve quite successfully and reliably. I am sure, someday it will be consciously, the phenomenon of attachment will be studied at the real deep, and we will open a lot of new and important, which will change the lives of people for the better.
But my clients and readers grow children right today, and they cannot wait. Therefore, I share right today with you than I can, without issuing written in the truth in the last instance. Read, watch, listen to yourself, doubt and check. If in your life, in your relationship with the child something goes differently, do not immediately be afraid and search where you are mistaken. In the text of the book it is impossible to describe everything possible options Both situations and real life is always more difficult than the most worked theory. If something happens to your child later or earlier than it is written if it happens with him otherwise or even with an exact thing about the opposite - just think why it can be so. The child may have its own pace of development or character characteristics, you can now be in life now or some time ago special circumstances, finally, I just can be mistaken. Always trust yourself more than any book, and this is no exception. You are the parent of your child, you love it, you know, you see, feel like no one, even if you think that you don't understand at all. The opinion of the specialist is important information for thinking, this is a way to see your situation as if by the opportunity to see problems in the wider context of culture, traditions and even the evolution of our species. But to decide what to do right now with your own baby who cries, fights or frightened - only to you, and if your intuition, moving love and care, says not that the book is to listen to intuition.
In the book we will go along with the child and his parents through all the childhood: from birth to adulthood. We will build a "road map" of growing up and consider the role of attachment in this process. Of course, the development of a child is multifaceted, its body, its intelligence and abilities are changing and developing, but we will focus only on one line: his relationship with "its" adults, how they are, on the one hand depend on the development of everything else, on the other - affect this development. Each head of the book is another stage of childhood. Each stage is new challenges of age, new child needs, new features, but also new risks, if the needs are not satisfied. We will try to understand the logic: how dependence and helplessness turn into maturity, as our love and care year after year form a secret support in the child, on which, as on the rod, his personality is held.
Our roadway path will be accompanied by examples and observations from life, and sometimes from literature or cinema. It will be great if every time you will be blunting from the book and remember the same - or unlike the situations in which you were or who were observed, and tried to analyze them from the point of view of the read. Or maybe he wants to re-read something or revise under the new angle of view.
Sometimes we will seem to rise above our path for small theoretical excursions to understand how it is arranged. If the topic will seem especially interesting to you, it makes sense to find and read the books that I give links. I promise not to overload the story with the terms and mention only the most, in my opinion, key for our topic.
As you move along the route, we will make practical conclusions from time to time: how to behave adults, what to do and what to do not to do that the child develops in accordance with the intention of nature, was filled with attachment and successfully turned it into independence. And in order for you to be easier and happy with him, and parenthood has been demanding self-dedication with happiness, and not by Katoroga or eternally delivered by anyone by the exam with the fear of mistakes.
* * *
According to the plan, the book that you keep in your hands will be the first part of the "close people" series, dedicated to different aspects of affection. In this, in the first, we will go from the beginning to the end of the "good" childhood, childhood without any problems and cataclysms, and we will try to understand that it gives a person the experience of attachment, as a relationship with their adults help to create a personal stem, in many respects defining the whole further a life. Hence the name: " Mysteryproof" Understanding the logic of developing his relationship with the child, you can make them better, and how we will see, it is good relationships, deep and reliable attachment underlie and good behavior, and the successful disclosure of the child's potential. Not "developing techniques", and relationships with parents give children the best start in life - and together we will make sure of this, follow a step by childhood.
The second book "Children, wounded in the soul" will be more sad - it will discuss what happens if the blow of fate or difficult circumstances broke the prosperous, the route conceived by nature. We will talk about the injuries of affection and attachment disorders. This topic is very close to me, because I work for many years with adoptive parents, parents of children wounded in the soul. However, no one is insured against injuries, nobody is insured, and the most prosperous family in the social sense is experiencing losses, separation, divorces, diseases, sharp changes and other circumstances, very sensitive to the child. Parents also do not always know how to care: they can not understand or offend a child, even if they like. We will talk about what happens to children in such situations and how they can help. This book will be very closely connected with the first, so I will often send it here, and here - to her.
The third book - so it happened - it was already published, it is called "if it's hard with the child." It is practical, devoted to all those situations when we do not know how to be what to do when contact with the child is lost when we are confused in our own educational installations and methods. It is invited in it in what is happening from the point of view of the theory of affection, so some moments are echoing with what will be discussed here. Many parents have already been readier and assured that it works. Yes, it works. If you urgently need help, if it became difficult to you with the child, you can start with it, the essence of the theory of affection there is briefly set out.
And finally, the fourth book - it will be optional and parallel to the third, and be called, respectively, "if there is a hard parent". I haven't even started to her yet, but I really want, because after many years of work with my parents I know well how it is hard. According to their own injuries of affection, as it is difficult to withstand the press of society and their own family, protecting your child and his right to grow in attachment, which heroic, unparalleled efforts to change their parents are committed for children. The more I work, the more I love and respect parents, such different, and such selfless in our love for children. And I would really like to write a book only for them, about how you can become the best parent for your children than your own.
Perhaps, over time, in the series will appear and some other books will appear, but these four I find MUST DONE for yourself and very try to write them in the foreseeable future. And if you are ready to make this trip by childhood along the attachment path, let's start.
Chapter 1
From birth to year. Invitation to life
And it starts at all equally.
Two, which are associated as closely as soon as possible, but at the same time do not know each other at all, did not even see in the face. Nine months of complete merger: general blood, overall air, common experiences. Nine months of accumulation and growth, bizarre changes and subtle mutual adjustments - and a few heavy hours on the transition from the world to the world, to leave the warm universe of the motherbody and separate.
Finally, they look at each other's eyes. The view of the mother is clouded by tears, from fatigue, from the dignity, from relief, from pity. And the view of the newborn (if he was born without problems, not exhausted by childbirth and not inflated with medicines) - Serious, clear and focused. Complete columns.
At these moments and hours, he looks in the face of fate itself. Imprinting in the depths of the memory the main person in his life, the person of a person who will become a demiurge of his world, who will dismiss the clouds in this world, to give bliss or cast out from Paradise, to settle the world by monsters or angels, execute or pretty To take away, but most likely - both and more inverse. There is from what to be serious.
This is how long history begins, the history of communication, which connects the child and the mother is almost as firmly as the umbilical cord. Holding for this connection, he will be released as a cosmonaut, connected to an open space. Unlike the umbilical cord, this connection is not material, it is worn from mental acts: from feelings, from solutions, from actions, from smiles and views, from dreams and self-sacrifice, it is common to all people and unique for every parent and every child. She is not from the belly to the stomach, and from the heart to heart (in fact, of course, from the brain to the brain, but it sounds more beautiful).
Attachment. Miracle is not less than pregnancy itself. And no less than life itself.
Question of life and death
Human young is born very little and immature. So the evolution decided to challenge the challenge to it: combine the strain (and therefore a narrow pelvis) of the mother, and the developed brain (and therefore the volume skull) of the child. It was necessary to somehow get out. Therefore, in the face of our species, an updated and improved technology was used, invented for the samples. A huge kangaroo gives birth to tiny, with a shrimp size, a cub, which is not yet able to be separate from the mother. And then some time stops him in the bag. If he does not fall immediately in the mother's bag - will die very quickly from hunger and cold.
Also children. Each baby coming into the world, on a deep, instinctive level knows the rules of the game. They are simple and harsh.
Rule first. By yourself, you are not a tenant. If an adult is, who will take you to his who will take care of you, feed, warm and defend you - you will live, grow and develop. There is no such means - it means there is no place for you for you, I'm sorry, the attempt failed.
The child's need for adult care - the need is vital, vital. It is not about "well," not about "without mom is lonely and sad," it is about life or death. The affection program, providing this concern - and there is our "bag", intended to have a child to convey, a peculiar exterior womb, a transitional gateway between birth and access to the world. It is laid in those deep sections of the brain that do not know anything about the milk mixtures, cuwes or a child's houses. There, in very little studied depths of the psyche of a newborn, it is this carved on the scrubles: Become someone - or die. There is no third.
This is the first and very important property of attachment, which explains a lot in the behavior of children. The attachment is the vital need, the level of significance is the maximum. Do not live without it.
With this circumstance is connected rule second. If suddenly an adult does not turn out to be, or he is not in a hurry to take care and defend, you, baby, do not immediately give up. You are not just a capricious, you are fighting for life, there is an inappropriate delicacy. Does not come - call louder. Does not want - make. Forgot - remind. Not sure about it - once again recheck, whether he is still your adult and consider you to be yours. Here is important vigilance. The rate is high. Fight!
And this is the second important thing that is worth remembering: if the child is not sure of his adult, in his attachment, he will seek confirmations of communication, to strive to save it and strengthen any cost. Any. Because, on Konu - his life.
That's why, barely born, the baby is immediately accepted for business. It is necessary to find your adult and involve it in affection. Bring to yourself, yes stronger. It has everything you need for this, the nature of it equipped as James Bond for a particularly difficult mission.
Without teeth, but armed
Creek is, of course, the main weapon of the newborn. And what else can he? So far, even their own hands-legs are not observed. Therefore, in order to attract the attention of an adult, he shouts. No, not just screaming, but shouts. Write. Yell
Objectively crying a newborn - the sound is not so loud and sharp. Especially for a resident of a big city, which constantly lives in noise - well, how can his tiny little man might hit this, compared to the neighbor's drill, the rumble of the subway, the roar of taking off airplanes, the crucible motorcycle, music, cutting out everywhere? However, from any of these sounds, although unpleasant, we can somehow abstract. To learn not to hear, not to notice and even sleep under them. They say, during wars, people and under the cannonad poured. And from crying a baby we cannot abstract. He penetrates "in the liver", he "dead will raise", it falls into some such frequency range, which awakens the instinct of a careful adult and the voice of this instinct to inexorably. It doesn't matter that you are tired and want to sleep, or sick, it doesn't matter that you are busy with something else, no matter if you want, you can, "quickly, right now, all threw, got up and went to the child. It acts, even if it cries someone else's child: we look around, worry, and if our, we are ready for anything, if only it stops: feed, warm, wash, swing - everything you need, so that the baby is alive and healthy.
It happens that the care instinct is damaged, temporarily (for example, under the influence of changing the psyche of substances: alcohol, drugs) or stable (due to mental disorder, its own extremely traumatic experience, organic brain lesion). Then the baby's cry either can not break through the dope, it remainsless, or causes the pathological reaction that does not provide for the nature: rage or despair. So there are tragic cases from the criminal chronicle when the screaming child beat about the wall or the mother is thrown into the window of the postpartum depression.
However, attempts to break the instinct, instead of obeying it, took place in quite a respectable society, for example, at the beginning of the 20th century in trains, very developed and prosperous countries tried to establish soundproofing boxes for babies. These were such closed boxes With thick walls and air holes, where parents were asked to lay crying children so that they would not interfere with rest of other passengers. From the idea they quickly refused - they still regretted the children, although in our days, the stormy angry discussions on the topic "Relive us from this sound, carrying children somehow separately or sit with them."
However, not yet the whip, there is a child and gingerbread.
Usually on the second month of life at one fine moment, the child does it. What parents lose all self-control, start to excite each other, run around the apartment in search of a camera, call their relatives and tell friends that their child today is the first time - smiled.
It would seem that this? A tiny creature slightly stretched its toothless mouth. And a little later learned to add a soft sound to this grimsk - laugh. However, in adults, the baby's smile causes the state of Euphoria, with nothing with comparable bliss and happiness. This is the pleasure that from now on adults are ready to exhibit in a cake so that he will do so again. And further. And further. We are again ready to wear, swing, bounce, kiss, waving a rattle, sing, squeeze and snort, force the cat to work with a zoo, and grandfather toolind a newspaper, - yes, anything, if only he laughed more often. If only again to experience this with nothing comparable to the buzz.
Guess what it looks like? Nature takes care that we sat on this hook. The child will get everything he needs for growth and development, rewarding parents for the transaction with moments of unearthly bliss. This also employs instinctive progement care programs. As sex is enjoyable, so that we are not lazy to come true and multiply, the care of the baby is also accompanied by a remuneration in the form of emission of hormones of pleasure in blood.
In fact, the child can even do anything special, anyway, he involves us in attachment - just his own appearance. Big head, chubby lyrco, nose butt, big eyes, short hands And legs - all this is drawn to the instinct of care. And how it smells sweetly ...
It is known that with a random hit in the field of view of the figure with infant proportions, we delay at it a little longer than any other. Instinct requires to look attentively and make sure that everything is in order with the child. In addition, the figures with infant proportions always cause involuntary sympathy, we are programmed to like them. This property of the psyche is actively used in advertising and creating pictures of brands, remember at least Mickey Maus or Olympic Bear.
The same goal is to keep contact with adults - they serve as reflexes that have come to people from distant primate ancestors. The newborn chalk is enough for the finger or for the hair of an adult, and if it is too sharply lowering and put, it throws up with handles and legs, as if trying to cover the adult paw. Our ancestors helped not lose the young, if you had to quickly run away from the predator in thick thickets or on the branches of trees.
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Lyudmila Vladimirovna Petranovskaya
Secret support: affection in the child's life
Loved you without any reason
For the fact that you are a daughter
For the fact that you are son
For the fact that the kid
For growing
For the fact that the dad and mom looks like.
And this love is until the end of your days
It will remain a mystery of your body.V. Berestov
Introduction
All the evolution of life is the evolution of parental care for offspring. The most primitive living beings appear on the light of already indistinguishable from the "parents", they do not need anything from their ancestors. Slightly more complex parents are only placed in a favorable environment, and there they themselves. Even more difficult - they try to leave food for the first time. So do some insects. Separate types of fish of their fry are already guarded. Many reptiles defend the masonry of eggs and look after hatching young. But the birds already necessarily sit down, feed and teach chicks, sometimes miracles of self-sacrifice for the sake of offspring. Mammals do not survive with adults without care, and their childhood is longer than the chicks. Mother's parents are not only fed, guarded and teach - they play with them, caress, console, resolve conflicts between brothers and sisters, prepare for communication in a flock.
If you look from this point of view, man and in fact - the crown of creation. Because the most helpless young and most long childhood on the planet - a quarter of life - we have. Before the child can do without adults, take years. Moreover, with the course of history, the period of dependence is constantly lengthened, once childhood at twelve finished, and now in twenty-two - not always.
It turns out that the creature increases, which does not simply implements the programs recorded in the gene genes, like billions of his ancestors of millions of years and him, like the cockroaches, and builds his life, thinks about the device of the universe, asks the eternal issues of being, has values, daring, Believes, loves, - in one word, the creature is reasonable and free, a rather long period of complete helplessness and dependence is needed. Somehow miraculously addicted to freedom, it is the complete initial inability to the world that is in the ability to modify this world.
Everyone who was born by a person and grew up, one way or another this path was held. Everyone who raises children goes on it. In this book we will pass it, step by step, from birth to adulthood, and let's try to understand: how does it work?
I immediately want to say: this book is not strictly scientific. I would like to have one more life in parallel to devote to her research, and every approval to check. But I don't have a second life, and in this I chose to be practiced. So I, at my own risk, just tell me how I see it, I feel, I understand. With examples from your life, from client stories and readers of my blog, from observations on the street and in playgrounds.
Of course, the very essence, the theory of affection - the theory is quite scientific, there are many interesting research and publications on it, I will refer to some of them in the course of the story. But I am quite aware that not all the approval of this theory and certainly not all statements in this book are completely scientifically confirmed, but it is generally difficult to check. The theory of attachment is not yet the mainstream of psychological science, research and books dedicated to it, while so far than I would like. In Russia, the theory of attachment is simply little known. And it is very sorry, because I do not know at the moment the approach to the study of a person, studying childhood, approach to upbringing and psychotherapy is a deeper, accurate and effective in practical work. A lot of problems that poison the lives of many people would simply be not created if you know how the child's relationship with parents arranged. And many have already created and even familiar, it would be possible to solve quite successfully and reliably. I am sure, someday it will be consciously, the phenomenon of attachment will be studied at the real deep, and we will open a lot of new and important, which will change the lives of people for the better.
But my clients and readers grow children right today, and they cannot wait. Therefore, I share right today with you than I can, without issuing written in the truth in the last instance. Read, watch, listen to yourself, doubt and check. If in your life, in your relationship with the child something goes differently, do not immediately be afraid and search where you are mistaken. In the text of the book it is impossible to describe all possible options and situations, and real life is always more difficult than the most worked theory. If something happens to your child later or earlier than it is written if it happens with him otherwise or even with an exact thing about the opposite - just think why it can be so. The child may have its own pace of development or character characteristics, you can now be in life now or some time ago special circumstances, finally, I just can be mistaken. Always trust yourself more than any book, and this is no exception. You are the parent of your child, you love it, you know, you see, feel like no one, even if you think that you don't understand at all. The opinion of the specialist is important information for thinking, this is a way to see your situation as if by the opportunity to see problems in the wider context of culture, traditions and even the evolution of our species. But to decide what to do right now with your own baby who cries, fights or frightened - only to you, and if your intuition, moving love and care, says not that the book is to listen to intuition.
In the book we will go along with the child and his parents through all the childhood: from birth to adulthood. We will build a "road map" of growing up and consider the role of attachment in this process. Of course, the development of a child is multifaceted, its body, its intelligence and abilities are changing and developing, but we will focus only on one line: his relationship with "its" adults, how they are, on the one hand depend on the development of everything else, on the other - affect this development. Each head of the book is another stage of childhood. Each stage is new challenges of age, new child needs, new features, but also new risks, if the needs are not satisfied. We will try to understand the logic: how dependence and helplessness turn into maturity, as our love and care year after year form a secret support in the child, on which, as on the rod, his personality is held.
Our roadway path will be accompanied by examples and observations from life, and sometimes from literature or cinema. It will be great if every time you will be blunting from the book and remember the same - or unlike the situations in which you were or who were observed, and tried to analyze them from the point of view of the read. Or maybe he wants to re-read something or revise under the new angle of view.
Sometimes we will seem to rise above our path for small theoretical excursions to understand how it is arranged. If the topic will seem especially interesting to you, it makes sense to find and read the books that I give links. I promise not to overload the story with the terms and mention only the most, in my opinion, key for our topic.
As you move along the route, we will make practical conclusions from time to time: how to behave adults, what to do and what to do not to do that the child develops in accordance with the intention of nature, was filled with attachment and successfully turned it into independence. And in order for you to be easier and happy with him, and parenthood has been demanding self-dedication with happiness, and not by Katoroga or eternally delivered by anyone by the exam with the fear of mistakes.
* * *
According to the plan, the book that you keep in your hands will be the first part of the "close people" series, dedicated to different aspects of affection. In this, in the first, we will go from the beginning to the end of the "good" childhood, childhood without any problems and cataclysms, and we will try to understand that it gives a person the experience of attachment, as a relationship with their adults help to create a personal stem, in many respects defining the whole further a life. Hence the name: "Secret Support". Understanding the logic of developing his relationship with the child, you can make them better, and how we will see, it is good relationships, deep and reliable attachment underlie and good behavior, and the successful disclosure of the child's potential. Not "developing techniques", and relationships with parents give children the best start in life - and together we will make sure of this, follow a step by childhood.
The second book "Children, wounded in the soul" will be more sad - it will discuss what happens if the blow of fate or difficult circumstances broke the prosperous, the route conceived by nature. We will talk about the injuries of affection and attachment disorders. This topic is very close to me, because I work for many years with adoptive parents, parents of children wounded in the soul. However, no one is insured against injuries, nobody is insured, and the most prosperous family in the social sense is experiencing losses, separation, divorces, diseases, sharp changes and other circumstances, very sensitive to the child. Parents also do not always know how to care: they can not understand or offend a child, even if they like. We will talk about what happens to children in such situations and how they can help. This book will be very closely connected with the first, so I will often send it here, and here - to her.
The third book - so it happened - it was already published, it is called "if it's hard with the child." It is practical, devoted to all those situations when we do not know how to be what to do when contact with the child is lost when we are confused in our own educational installations and methods. It is invited in it in what is happening from the point of view of the theory of affection, so some moments are echoing with what will be discussed here. Many parents have already been readier and assured that it works. Yes, it works. If you urgently need help, if it became difficult to you with the child, you can start with it, the essence of the theory of affection there is briefly set out.
And finally, the fourth book - it will be optional and parallel to the third, and be called, respectively, "if there is a hard parent". I haven't even started to her yet, but I really want, because after many years of work with my parents I know well how it is hard. According to their own injuries of affection, as it is difficult to withstand the press of society and their own family, protecting your child and his right to grow in attachment, which heroic, unparalleled efforts to change their parents are committed for children. The more I work, the more I love and respect parents, such different, and such selfless in our love for children. And I would really like to write a book only for them, about how you can become the best parent for your children than your own.
Perhaps, over time, in the series will appear and some other books will appear, but these four I find MUST DONE for yourself and very try to write them in the foreseeable future. And if you are ready to make this trip by childhood along the attachment path, let's start.
Chapter 1
From birth to year. Invitation to life
And it starts at all equally.
Two, which are associated as closely as soon as possible, but at the same time do not know each other at all, did not even see in the face. Nine months of complete merger: general blood, overall air, common experiences. Nine months of accumulation and growth, bizarre changes and subtle mutual adjustments - and a few heavy hours on the transition from the world to the world, to leave the warm universe of the motherbody and separate.
Finally, they look at each other's eyes. The view of the mother is clouded by tears, from fatigue, from the dignity, from relief, from pity. And the view of the newborn (if he was born without problems, not exhausted by childbirth and not inflated with medicines) - Serious, clear and focused. Complete columns.
At these moments and hours, he looks in the face of fate itself. Imprinting in the depths of the memory the main person in his life, the person of a person who will become a demiurge of his world, who will dismiss the clouds in this world, to give bliss or cast out from Paradise, to settle the world by monsters or angels, execute or pretty To take away, but most likely - both and more inverse. There is from what to be serious.
This is how long history begins, the history of communication, which connects the child and the mother is almost as firmly as the umbilical cord. Holding for this connection, he will be released as a cosmonaut, connected to an open space. Unlike the umbilical cord, this connection is not material, it is worn from mental acts: from feelings, from solutions, from actions, from smiles and views, from dreams and self-sacrifice, it is common to all people and unique for every parent and every child. She is not from the belly to the stomach, and from the heart to heart (in fact, of course, from the brain to the brain, but it sounds more beautiful).
Attachment. Miracle is not less than pregnancy itself. And no less than life itself.
Question of life and death
Human young is born very little and immature. So the evolution decided to challenge the challenge to it: combine the strain (and therefore a narrow pelvis) of the mother, and the developed brain (and therefore the volume skull) of the child. It was necessary to somehow get out. Therefore, in the face of our species, an updated and improved technology was used, invented for the samples. A huge kangaroo gives birth to tiny, with a shrimp size, a cub, which is not yet able to be separate from the mother. And then some time stops him in the bag. If he does not fall immediately in the mother's bag - will die very quickly from hunger and cold.
Also children. Each baby coming into the world, on a deep, instinctive level knows the rules of the game. They are simple and harsh.
Rule first. By yourself, you are not a tenant. If an adult is, who will take you to his who will take care of you, feed, warm and defend you - you will live, grow and develop. There is no such means - it means there is no place for you for you, I'm sorry, the attempt failed.
The child's need for adult care - the need is vital, vital. It is not about "well," not about "without mom is lonely and sad," it is about life or death. The affection program, providing this concern - and there is our "bag", intended to have a child to convey, a peculiar exterior womb, a transitional gateway between birth and access to the world. It is laid in those deep sections of the brain that do not know anything about the milk mixtures, cuwes or a child's houses. There, in very little studied depths of the psyche of a newborn, it is this carved on the scrubles: Become someone - or die. There is no third.
This is the first and very important property of attachment, which explains a lot in the behavior of children. The attachment is the vital need, the level of significance is the maximum. Do not live without it.
With this circumstance is connected rule second. If suddenly an adult does not turn out to be, or he is not in a hurry to take care and defend, you, baby, do not immediately give up. You are not just a capricious, you are fighting for life, there is an inappropriate delicacy. Does not come - call louder. Does not want - make. Forgot - remind. Not sure about it - once again recheck, whether he is still your adult and consider you to be yours. Here is important vigilance. The rate is high. Fight!
And this is the second important thing that is worth remembering: if the child is not sure of his adult, in his attachment, he will seek confirmations of communication, to strive to save it and strengthen any cost. Any. Because, on Konu - his life.
That's why, barely born, the baby is immediately accepted for business. It is necessary to find your adult and involve it in affection. Bring to yourself, yes stronger. It has everything you need for this, the nature of it equipped as James Bond for a particularly difficult mission.
Without teeth, but armed
Creek is, of course, the main weapon of the newborn. And what else can he? So far, even their own hands-legs are not observed. Therefore, in order to attract the attention of an adult, he shouts. No, not just screaming, but shouts. Write. Yell
Objectively crying a newborn - the sound is not so loud and sharp. Especially for a resident of a big city, which constantly lives in noise - well, how can his tiny little man might hit this, compared to the neighbor's drill, the rumble of the subway, the roar of taking off airplanes, the crucible motorcycle, music, cutting out everywhere? However, from any of these sounds, although unpleasant, we can somehow abstract. To learn not to hear, not to notice and even sleep under them. They say, during wars, people and under the cannonad poured. And from crying a baby we cannot abstract. He penetrates "in the liver", he "dead will raise", it falls into some such frequency range, which awakens the instinct of a careful adult and the voice of this instinct to inexorably. It doesn't matter that you are tired and want to sleep, or sick, it doesn't matter that you are busy with something else, no matter if you want, you can, "quickly, right now, all threw, got up and went to the child. It acts, even if it cries someone else's child: we look around, worry, and if our, we are ready for anything, if only it stops: feed, warm, wash, swing - everything you need, so that the baby is alive and healthy.
It happens that the care instinct is damaged, temporarily (for example, under the influence of changing the psyche of substances: alcohol, drugs) or stable (due to mental disorder, its own extremely traumatic experience, organic brain lesion). Then the baby's cry either can not break through the dope, it remainsless, or causes the pathological reaction that does not provide for the nature: rage or despair. So there are tragic cases from the criminal chronicle when the screaming child beat about the wall or the mother is thrown into the window of the postpartum depression.
However, attempts to break the instinct, instead of obeying it, took place in quite a respectable society, for example, at the beginning of the 20th century in trains, very developed and prosperous countries tried to establish soundproofing boxes for babies. These were such closed boxes with thick walls and air holes where parents were asked to lay crying children so that they would not interfere with rest of other passengers. From the idea they quickly refused - they still regretted the children, although in our days, the stormy angry discussions on the topic "Relive us from this sound, carrying children somehow separately or sit with them."
However, not yet the whip, there is a child and gingerbread.
Usually on the second month of life at one fine moment, the child does it. What parents lose all self-control, start to excite each other, run around the apartment in search of a camera, call their relatives and tell friends that their child today is the first time - smiled.
It would seem that this? A tiny creature slightly stretched its toothless mouth. And a little later learned to add a soft sound to this grimsk - laugh. However, in adults, the baby's smile causes the state of Euphoria, with nothing with comparable bliss and happiness. This is the pleasure that from now on adults are ready to exhibit in a cake so that he will do so again. And further. And further. We are again ready to wear, swing, bounce, kiss, waving a rattle, sing, squeeze and snort, force the cat to work with a zoo, and grandfather toolind a newspaper, - yes, anything, if only he laughed more often. If only again to experience this with nothing comparable to the buzz.
Guess what it looks like? Nature takes care that we sat on this hook. The child will get everything he needs for growth and development, rewarding parents for the transaction with moments of unearthly bliss. This also employs instinctive progement care programs. As sex is enjoyable, so that we are not lazy to come true and multiply, the care of the baby is also accompanied by a remuneration in the form of emission of hormones of pleasure in blood.
In fact, the child can even do anything special, anyway, he involves us in attachment - just his own appearance. Big head, chubby lyrco, nose butt, big eyes, short hands and feet, - All this is drawn to the instinct of care. And how it smells sweetly ...
It is known that with a random hit in the field of view of the figure with infant proportions, we delay at it a little longer than any other. Instinct requires to look attentively and make sure that everything is in order with the child. In addition, the figures with infant proportions always cause involuntary sympathy, we are programmed to like them. This property of the psyche is actively used in advertising and creating pictures of brands, remember at least Mickey Maus or Olympic Bear.
The same goal is to keep contact with adults - they serve as reflexes that have come to people from distant primate ancestors. The newborn chalk is enough for the finger or for the hair of an adult, and if it is too sharply lowering and put, it throws up with handles and legs, as if trying to cover the adult paw. Our ancestors helped not lose the young, if you had to quickly run away from the predator in thick thickets or on the branches of trees.
Only the born child can already know his mother in the sound of voice, smell and taste of milk, and immediately after childbirth, if he feels normally, his mother looks intently in the face, capturing it in the depths of memory - this is an instinctive program imprinting (Imprint), existing in mammals and birds.
Animal empting is simple and therefore a very inflexible affection program. For example, the Austrian researcher Conrad Lorenz described the case when the gunned from the eggs was seen in the first minutes of their life not to mother-goose, and his shoes. After that, they considered mom's boots and went for them everywhere. The human instinct is much more difficult, otherwise, since the emergence of maternity hospitals, all children would consider parents only doctors in white coats, and their parents were ignored. Fortunately, this is not the case, and children, for one reason or another, who did not receive the experience of postpartum imprinting, they still love those adults who care about them.
No less important in the first hours after birth, the baby's tactile contact with the mother, and not only for him, but also for her. After all, the body and the mother's psyche are also sharpened by nature to take care of the child. Her breast is filled with milk, and if you do not attach a child to her, swells and hurts. Its stretched and bleeding after childbirth the uterus is reduced and faster heals in response to the sucking of a baby. Mothers need to hear the breath of the child, feel it skin, sniff, kiss, it gives pleasure and brings calm. If the child is separated from the mother, she is restless, she does not find a place, she is tormented by anxious fantasy that something happens to him that he will be stolen, replaced that he will get sick, die. She wants to be with him, all her thoughts and feelings - about the child, she easily wakes up on his call, even if it was tired by childbirth.
There is even a hypothesis 1
This is only one of possible causes. Postpartum depression is sometimes developing in women who had contact with the child after childbirth, and it most often does not happen, even if there was no contact. However, in some cases, apparently, the mechanism is as follows. Read more about postpartum depression, its possible consequences and how to help mother and baby, will be discussed in the book "Children, wounded in the soul."
What is a serious psyche disorder, as a postpartum depression, is associated with the practice of separating a newborn from the mother after the birth of a woman or for medical care to the child. If the mother is deprived of the opportunity to keep the child in his chest, look at him, inhale his smell, deep, instinctive layers of her psyche interpret it as the death of the baby. You gave birth, but it is not - it means that the child died. After all, no "individual chambers for newborns" are not inscribed in an ancient program. And the experience of the child's loss, the grief, is also a very deep ancient program that has many mammals, for example, we can observe it in cats and dogs who have lost offspring. At first, the mother suffers from painful anxiety, notes, does not find himself. Then immersed in depression and despair intermitted with flares of anger.
However, the child is alive, they return home, you should care for him, surrounding waiting for a woman of happy and caring motherhood. But for the deep layers of her psyche, the child died. It is not. And this is some other, someone else, probably. And why should she take care of him? The child does not please, he does not like, does not cause dignity, its helplessness and demanding is annoyed up to rage. Family and surrounding usually do not understand what is happening, and the woman herself does not decide to admit that he does not like a child who was waiting and wanted. In the most difficult cases, suffering are so unbearable, or fear of their own fury to the child is so frightened that the mother can even attempt suicide.
If the maternal instinct is in order, Mom is ready and wants to belong to the child, to become for him own adults, take responsibility for new life. This is a strange feeling - it does not belong to herself, she is not free, tied by all the feelings to this hacking lump - and she is happy. If the child is the first, this new condition can be stunning.
I remember well that day when my son was born. It was another old Soviet maternity hospital, the children were carried out somewhere and did not bring the whole day ("You have a negative rhesus, a child is harmful." I saw him after birth just five minutes. He was a little, angry, and some very poor.
Later, among the night, I emerged from a shallow sleep, and then it happened. The center of the world came out of me, from somewhere from the area of \u200b\u200bthe solar plexus and slowly floated from the Chamber, along the hospital corridor - where children were allegedly, they were. Where was mine. This is a strange one feeling when the center of the world, the reference point of the coordinate system floats. Neither is good nor bad, but just inevitable, and you understand that there will never be more, as before.
So, from the very first minutes of the child's life between him and the mother, the threads of future relationship are rapidly typing. Each feeding, every look, each touch, each inhale of the unique smell is a subtle, but durable thread that connects them forever, growing into their souls. The threads are becoming more and more, they are woker, they are superimposed on each other and now the mother and the child are connected to a new, not material, and the psychological umbilical cord, according to which they will now go from the mother to the child. Protection and care, but from him to her - confidence and coachable love. That's it affection - psychological umbilical cord, deep emotional relationship between parent and child.
Somehow in the playground was observed the scene: the kid of two years old and a half began frightened to look around - the mother lost sight, moved somewhere, and the finger went to his mouth, and the lips shrewd, now heavers. And then the girl is a little older turned to standing around the adult and demandingly asked, even having poured up: "Where is the mother mother?!"
So children see the device of the world. Each child is supposed to be his own mother, together they are one whole, kit.
But we are all about mom. But what about dad? And other family members? Approximately the same. Their relationship with the child is less due to physiologically, but the principle is the same: every act of protection and care from the side of the adult tie a string, every time a child asks for help and gets it, every time he is a look at a look, smiling at a smile, hug For outstretched handles - the thread is tied. And with dad, and with grandparents, and with sisters-brothers. And with adoptive parents, if it happened that the child was left without a mother.
The formation of attachment not only to the mother, but also to other caregiving adults is a strategy of nature, providing an infant survival. We give birth rarely and hard, we usually wear one fruit. The price of a child for our species is very high, so not only women of fertile age are oriented towards care, but also men, and a little smalked children, and old men. They are also irresistible and cry, and a smile, and appearance Baby, and they are also firmly tied to the baby, providing him with protection and care of the whole family.
Stage of Returning - Gateway Between Worlds
In most cultures in the most different countries The world, the newborn is not yet considered to be fully coming to the world. Often, he does not give a name in the first month or two, do not show a stranger, do not bring out of the house.
In some traditions it is even forbidden to say that a child was born, and everyone pretends that nothing had happened, congratulate parents only after the fortieth, or even a hundredth day. So that evil spirits were not related and did not harm.
The grounds for concerns among our ancestors, of course, were, child mortality was always high. Evil spirits I. dangerous infections Did not sleep. But everything is not reduced to superstitions and fears. Newborns really look like "not from this world." They seem deeply immersed in themselves, or in some distant areas, they sleep most of the day, others are not interested in, it is also not easy to understand: crying - what does it want, what is wrong? To be honest, the newborn is more like something not quite animated called "fruit", and not for a child. He is not quite here, he has not yet come to our world truly.
Remember, in childhood, and sometimes adults are experiencing this, awakening in some new place, on the train, visiting, in a new house? You hear the voice: "Get up, it's time," and it seems you have already woken up, but not at all, you're even more there than here, still sleep and do not immediately understand what it is around, where are you and who you are, the body is not immediately Listening, and you need to lie down for some time, to stay between the worlds to "come to yourself." Well, if you are slow and affectionately, if my mother strokes first, it will hold on the handles. If pancakes smell. If the sun is shining due to the curtain. Then you can gradually insert the world, light, sounds, smell. Quietly move over the bridge from love and care from there - here, a little bit, sneak and enter the day and the world calm and fully present.
And if from such sleep is sharply pulled, and you have to jump and act right away? Because "there is nothing to integrate," or "slept, late", or did something happen? And the world around the dark, cold, nothing joyful not alive. Adults are very often in life, some every day. After such an awakening, there are still problems with coordination, as if some part of the consciousness did not return, somewhere stuck, and we need doping in the form of coffee or cold wash to completely wake up. Each such awakening is stress for the body, if it occurs occasionally - nothing, survive if constantly - stress will affect health. All programs fine tuning and reference work internal organswho acted in a dream, in conditions of disconnection from the outside world, will not be correctly completed, they will be rudely interrupted, and such a regular computer is not different, which is, to talk about such a complex device as a human body.
Lyudmila Vladimirovna Petranovskaya
Secret support. Affection in the life of a child
Secret support. Affection in the life of a childClose people
Lyudmila Petranovskaya - the author of a series of books for children "What to do, if ...", a well-known psychologist-teacher, head of webinars on family relationships and laureate of the President of the Russian Federation presents the continuation of the series "Close people: Psychology of relations". The book will be useful not only to young mothers, but also those who want to rethink the relationship with their possibly already matured child.
Lyudmila Vladimirovna Petranovskaya
Secret support: affection in the child's life
Loved you without any reason
For the fact that you are a daughter
For the fact that you are son
For the fact that the kid
For growing
For the fact that the dad and mom looks like.
And this love is until the end of your days
It will remain a mystery of your body.
V. Berestov
Introduction
All the evolution of life is the evolution of parental care for offspring. The most primitive living beings appear on the light of already indistinguishable from the "parents", they do not need anything from their ancestors. Slightly more complex parents are only placed in a favorable environment, and there they themselves. Even more difficult - they try to leave food for the first time. So do some insects. Separate types of fish of their fry are already guarded. Many reptiles defend the masonry of eggs and look after hatching young. But the birds already necessarily sit down, feed and teach chicks, sometimes miracles of self-sacrifice for the sake of offspring. Mammals do not survive with adults without care, and their childhood is longer than the chicks. Mother's parents are not only fed, guarded and teach - they play with them, caress, console, resolve conflicts between brothers and sisters, prepare for communication in a flock.
If you look from this point of view, man and in fact - the crown of creation. Because the most helpless young and most long childhood on the planet - a quarter of life - we have. Before the child can do without adults, take years. Moreover, with the course of history, the period of dependence is constantly lengthened, once childhood at twelve finished, and now in twenty-two - not always.
It turns out that the creature increases, which does not simply implements the programs recorded in the gene genes, like billions of his ancestors of millions of years and him, like the cockroaches, and builds his life, thinks about the device of the universe, asks the eternal issues of being, has values, daring, Believes, loves, - in one word, the creature is reasonable and free, a rather long period of complete helplessness and dependence is needed. Somehow miraculously addicted to freedom, it is the complete initial inability to the world that is in the ability to modify this world.
Everyone who was born by a person and grew up, one way or another this path was held. Everyone who raises children goes on it. In this book we will pass it, step by step, from birth to adulthood, and let's try to understand: how does it work?
I immediately want to say: this book is not strictly scientific. I would like to have one more life in parallel to devote to her research, and every approval to check. But I don't have a second life, and in this I chose to be practiced. So I, at my own risk, just tell me how I see it, I feel, I understand. With examples from your life, from client stories and readers of my blog, from observations on the street and in playgrounds.
Of course, the very essence, the theory of affection - the theory is quite scientific, there are many interesting research and publications on it, I will refer to some of them in the course of the story. But I am quite aware that not all the approval of this theory and certainly not all statements in this book are completely scientifically confirmed, but it is generally difficult to check. The theory of attachment is not yet the mainstream of psychological science, research and books dedicated to it, while so far than I would like. In Russia, the theory of attachment is simply little known. And it is very sorry, because I do not know at the moment the approach to the study of a person, studying childhood, approach to upbringing and psychotherapy is a deeper, accurate and effective in practical work. A lot of problems that poison the lives of many people would simply be not created if you know how the child's relationship with parents arranged. And many have already created and even familiar, it would be possible to solve quite successfully and reliably. I am sure, someday it will be consciously, the phenomenon of attachment will be studied at the real deep, and we will open a lot of new and important, which will change the lives of people for the better.
But my clients and readers grow children right today, and they cannot wait. Therefore, I share right today with you than I can, without issuing written in the truth in the last instance. Read, watch, listen to yourself, doubt and check. If in your life, in your relationship with the child something goes differently, do not immediately be afraid and search where you are mistaken. In the text of the book it is impossible to describe all possible options and situations, and real life is always more difficult than the most worked theory. If something happens to your child later or earlier than it is written if it happens with him otherwise or even with an exact thing about the opposite - just think why it can be so. The child may have its own pace of development or character characteristics, you can now be in life now or some time ago special circumstances, finally, I just can be mistaken. Always trust yourself more than any book, and this is no exception. You are the parent of your child, you love it, you know, you see, feel like no one, even if you think that you don't understand at all. The opinion of the specialist is important information for thinking, this is a way to see your situation as if by the opportunity to see problems in the wider context of culture, traditions and even the evolution of our species. But to decide what to do right now with your own baby who cries, fights or frightened - only to you, and if your intuition, moving love and care, says not that the book is to listen to intuition.
In the book we will go along with the child and his parents through all the childhood: from birth to adulthood. We will build a "road map" of growing up and consider the role of attachment in this process. Of course, the development of a child is multifaceted, its body, its intelligence and abilities are changing and developing, but we will focus only on one line: his relationship with "its" adults, how they are, on the one hand depend on the development of everything else, on the other - affect this development. Each head of the book is another stage of childhood. Each stage is new challenges of age, new child needs, new features, but also new risks, if the needs are not satisfied. We will try to understand the logic: how dependence and helplessness turn into maturity, as our love and care year after year form a secret support in the child, on which, as on the rod, his personality is held.
Our roadway path will be accompanied by examples and observations from life, and sometimes from literature or cinema. It will be great if every time you will be blunting from the book and remember the same - or unlike the situations in which you were or who were observed, and tried to analyze them from the point of view of the read. Or maybe he wants to re-read something or revise under the new angle of view.
Sometimes we will seem to rise above our path for small theoretical excursions to understand how it is arranged. If the topic will seem especially interesting to you, it makes sense to find and read the books that I give links. I promise not to overload the story with the terms and mention only the most, in my opinion, key for our topic.
As you move along the route, we will make practical conclusions from time to time: how to behave adults, what to do and what to do not to do that the child develops in accordance with the intention of nature, was filled with attachment and successfully turned it into independence. And in order for you to be easier and happy with him, and parenthood has been demanding self-dedication with happiness, and not by Katoroga or eternally delivered by anyone by the exam with the fear of mistakes.
According to the plan, the book that you keep in your hands will be the first part of the "close people" series, dedicated to different aspects of affection. In this, in the first, we will go from the beginning to the end of the "good" childhood, childhood without any problems and cataclysms, and we will try to understand that it gives a person the experience of attachment, as a relationship with their adults help to create a personal stem, in many respects defining the whole further a life. Hence the name: "Secret Support". Understanding the logic of developing his relationship with the child, you can make them better, and how we will see, it is good relationships, deep and reliable attachment underlie and good behavior, and the successful disclosure of the child's potential. Not "developing techniques", and relationships with parents give children the best start in life - and together we will make sure of this, follow a step by childhood.
The second book "Children, wounded in the soul" will be more sad - it will discuss what happens if the blow of fate or difficult circumstances broke the prosperous, the route conceived by nature. We will talk about the injuries of affection and attachment disorders. This topic is very close to me, because I work for many years with adoptive parents, parents of children wounded in the soul. However, no one is insured against injuries, nobody is insured, and the most prosperous family in the social sense is experiencing losses, separation, divorces, diseases, sharp changes and other circumstances, very sensitive to the child. Parents also do not always know how to care: they can not understand or offend a child, even if they like. We will talk about what happens to children in such situations and how they can help. This book will be very closely connected with the first, so I will often send it here, and here - to her.
The third book - so it happened - it was already published, it is called "if it's hard with the child." It is practical, devoted to all those situations when we do not know how to be what to do when contact with the child is lost when we are confused in our own educational installations and methods. It is invited in it in what is happening from the point of view of the theory of affection, so some moments are echoing with what will be discussed here. Many parents have already been readier and assured that it works. Yes, it works. If you urgently need help, if it became difficult to you with the child, you can start with it, the essence of the theory of affection there is briefly set out.
And finally, the fourth book - it will be optional and parallel to the third, and be called, respectively, "if there is a hard parent". I haven't even started to her yet, but I really want, because after many years of work with my parents I know well how it is hard. According to their own injuries of affection, as it is difficult to withstand the press of society and their own family, protecting your child and his right to grow in attachment, which heroic, unparalleled efforts to change their parents are committed for children. The more I work, the more I love and respect parents, such different, and such selfless in our love for children. And I would really like to write a book only for them, about how you can become the best parent for your children than your own.
Perhaps, over time, in the series will appear and some other books will appear, but these four I find MUST DONE for yourself and very try to write them in the foreseeable future. And if you are ready to make this trip by childhood along the attachment path, let's start.
From birth to year. Invitation to life
And it starts at all equally.
Two, which are associated as closely as soon as possible, but at the same time do not know each other at all, did not even see in the face. Nine months of complete merger: general blood, overall air, common experiences. Nine months of accumulation and growth, bizarre changes and subtle mutual adjustments - and a few heavy hours on the transition from the world to the world, to leave the warm universe of the motherbody and separate.
Finally, they look at each other's eyes. The view of the mother is clouded by tears, from fatigue, from the dignity, from relief, from pity. And the view of the newborn (if he was born without problems, not exhausted by childbirth and not inflated with medicines) - Serious, clear and focused. Complete columns.
At these moments and hours, he looks in the face of fate itself. Imprinting in the depths of the memory the main person in his life, the person of a person who will become a demiurge of his world, who will dismiss the clouds in this world, to give bliss or cast out from Paradise, to settle the world by monsters or angels, execute or pretty To take away, but most likely - both and more inverse. There is from what to be serious.
This is how long history begins, the history of communication, which connects the child and the mother is almost as firmly as the umbilical cord. Holding for this connection, he will be released as a cosmonaut, connected to an open space. Unlike the umbilical cord, this connection is not material, it is worn from mental acts: from feelings, from solutions, from actions, from smiles and views, from dreams and self-sacrifice, it is common to all people and unique for every parent and every child. She is not from the belly to the stomach, and from the heart to heart (in fact, of course, from the brain to the brain, but it sounds more beautiful).
Attachment. Miracle is not less than pregnancy itself. And no less than life itself.
Question of life and death
Human young is born very little and immature. So the evolution decided to challenge the challenge to it: combine the strain (and therefore a narrow pelvis) of the mother, and the developed brain (and therefore the volume skull) of the child. It was necessary to somehow get out. Therefore, in the face of our species, an updated and improved technology was used, invented for the samples. A huge kangaroo gives birth to tiny, with a shrimp size, a cub, which is not yet able to be separate from the mother. And then some time stops him in the bag. If he does not fall immediately in the mother's bag - will die very quickly from hunger and cold.
Also children. Each baby coming into the world, on a deep, instinctive level knows the rules of the game. They are simple and harsh.
The rule is first. By yourself, you are not a tenant. If an adult is, who will take you to his who will take care of you, feed, warm and defend you - you will live, grow and develop. There is no such means - it means there is no place for you for you, I'm sorry, the attempt failed.
The child's need for adult care - the need is vital, vital. It is not about "well," not about "without mom is lonely and sad," it is about life or death. The affection program, providing this concern - and there is our "bag", intended to have a child to convey, a peculiar exterior womb, a transitional gateway between birth and access to the world. It is laid in those deep sections of the brain that do not know anything about the milk mixtures, cuwes or a child's houses. There, in very little studied depths of the psyche of a newborn, it is this carved on the scrubles: Become someone - or die. There is no third.
This is the first and very important property of attachment, which explains a lot in the behavior of children. The attachment is the vital need, the level of significance is the maximum. Without it do not live.
With this circumstance, the rule is associated with this. If suddenly an adult does not turn out to be, or he is not in a hurry to take care and defend, you, baby, do not immediately give up. You are not just a capricious, you are fighting for life, there is an inappropriate delicacy. Does not come - call louder. Does not want - make. Forgot - remind. Not sure about it - once again recheck, whether he is still your adult and consider you to be yours. Here is important vigilance. The rate is high. Fight!
And this is the second important thing that is worth remembering: if the child is not sure of his adult, in his attachment, he will seek confirmations of communication, to strive to save it and strengthen any cost. Any. Because, on Konu - his life.
That's why, barely born, the baby is immediately accepted for business. It is necessary to find your adult and involve it in affection. Bring to yourself, yes stronger. It has everything you need for this, the nature of it equipped as James Bond for a particularly difficult mission.
Without teeth, but armed
Creek is, of course, the main weapon of the newborn. And what else can he? So far, even their own hands-legs are not observed. Therefore, in order to attract the attention of an adult, he shouts. No, not just screaming, but shouts. Write. Yell
Objectively crying a newborn - the sound is not so loud and sharp. Especially for a resident of a big city, which constantly lives in noise - well, how can his tiny little man might hit this, compared to the neighbor's drill, the rumble of the subway, the roar of taking off airplanes, the crucible motorcycle, music, cutting out everywhere? However, from any of these sounds, although unpleasant, we can somehow abstract. To learn not to hear, not to notice and even sleep under them. They say, during wars, people and under the cannonad poured. And from crying a baby we cannot abstract. He penetrates "in the liver", he "dead will raise", it falls into some such frequency range, which awakens the instinct of a careful adult and the voice of this instinct to inexorably. It doesn't matter that you are tired and want to sleep, or sick, it doesn't matter that you are busy with something else, no matter if you want, you can, "quickly, right now, all threw, got up and went to the child. It acts, even if it cries someone else's child: we look around, worry, and if our, we are ready for anything, if only it stops: feed, warm, wash, swing - everything you need, so that the baby is alive and healthy.
It happens that the care instinct is damaged, temporarily (for example, under the influence of changing the psyche of substances: alcohol, drugs) or stable (due to mental disorder, its own extremely traumatic experience, organic brain lesion). Then the baby's cry either can not break through the dope, it remainsless, or causes the pathological reaction that does not provide for the nature: rage or despair. So there are tragic cases from the criminal chronicle when the screaming child beat about the wall or the mother is thrown into the window of the postpartum depression.
However, attempts to break the instinct, instead of obeying it, took place in quite a respectable society, for example, at the beginning of the 20th century in trains, very developed and prosperous countries tried to establish soundproofing boxes for babies. These were such closed boxes with thick walls and air holes where parents were asked to lay crying children so that they would not interfere with rest of other passengers. From the idea they quickly refused - they still regretted the children, although in our days, the stormy angry discussions on the topic "Relive us from this sound, carrying children somehow separately or sit with them."
Secret support. Affection in the life of a child Lyudmila Petranovskaya
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Title: Secret Support. Affection in the life of a child
About the book "The Secret Support. Affection in the life of the child "Lyudmila Petranovskaya
Lyudmila Petranovskaya is a successful teacher, a family psychologist, a blogger, as well as the author of a variety of books in the field of psychology of child education. "A receptional child came to the class", "difficult age", "what to do, if ...", - and this is only a small part of the works that came out from under her pen.
Lyudmila Vladimirovna Petranovskaya is an opponent of the boarding school, and stands for children to grow and raised in families, whether families have blood or receptions. It also shows its negative attitude towards the level of execution in the system of protecting the rights of orphans, to the poor quality of training of adoptive parents and specialists in this area.
"The secret support. The attachment in the life of the child "- a book from the category" Why I didn't know about her when I was 18 years old. " Why do you ask? Everything is very simple! "The Secret Support" is a completely special encyclopedia of real life. Lifestyle family, upbringing, growing, communicating mother and child. No, this is not the encyclopedia that makes you soak, when searching for the necessary information. Logistics books built very simple and understandable: a description of all periods of life and problems that occur in different periods is carried out in chronological order - from birth to growing up. A simple and intuitive description of crises in the relationships of parents and children, ways to overcome them, - all this is reinforced by visual illustrations.
The dignity of the book is that it is not a translated publication, and is adapted to our realities of life. Translated foreign publications are based on another foundation, on another system of values \u200b\u200bin raising children. The author's strategy is not to give as much increasing information as possible, and do not clarify anything. Lyudmila Petranovskaya - a high-end professional, addresses his own experience of motherhood, and on the shelves emphasizes the concept of "crisis of three years", "crisis adolescence"Phases" Plateau ".
"The secret support. The attachment in the life of the child "is recommended for compulsory reading to all dads, mothers (even at the stage of pregnancy and those who are going to create family), children and grandmothers. And if you still "broke firels" with your chance, do not worry. Want to really learn something new in a child's psychology, and not just mindlessly project your "adult" behavior on him? The "Secret Support" will easily and will easily help you in solving controversial and important problems associated with the consideration and self-affirmation of children.
